This is one of the first reflections I wrote, approximately three years ago now, for my previous site, mariasmind.com. As a high school English teacher, this time of year was probably the busiest: final assignments and exams, getting organized for summer school and September, final meetings and marks, and so much marking within a very short space of time.

Along with the bureaucratic stuff and supporting students, worried about final marks, it was also a time for reflection. What had gone well and what had not? Why? I tried to reach out for support and insights. This advice, to stop comparing myself to others, has been and continues to be a struggle, but I am working on it. Hopefully, something here connects to some aspect of your life. Please comment below.

Years ago, at the end of a particularly difficult, demoralizing semester, I was given the wise, and necessary, advice to stop comparing myself to others. I have slowly incorporated this instruction into my outlook on my relationships with other teachers, professionals, my family and others who have been part of the yardstick against which I measure myself. Looking back, those simple, straightforward words were like a stone tossed into a pond; similarly to how the ripples can extend in unexpected, pretty patterns, and depending on obstacles in the water or wind over the surface, those words have had an unexpected, positive ripple effect on my life, both professionally and personally. Also, the most memorable, long-lasting ripples are achieved when all the factors are ideal: the stone, its weight, the depth and calmness of the water. In the same way, that advice – which in theory, I knew I should never do but seemed unable to consciously put into practice – came at an ideal moment for me. I had reached out to someone I trusted and whose insights and wisdom I valued, and I was receptive to the advice. It has rippled throughout my life, around challenges and potential setbacks in unforeseen ways, encouraging me to accept that I am a competent woman with a unique set of skills that have helped me to become a calmer teacher, accepting that I have weaknesses but I also have strengths.   

In retrospect, my relative inexperience – I had been teaching less than five years – combined with being afraid of asking for help and feeling overwhelmed by personal problems – my marriage was inexorably and stressfully ending – definitely exacerbated my feelings of anxiety and hopelessness about ever being able to become a competent teacher. Furthermore, some days, I had serious doubts about whether my choice to become a teacher had been a case of taking on much more than I could handle. At the end of that disappointing semester, highlighted, in my mind, by my inability to effectively manage a small class of male students, I despairingly unburdened myself about my perceived inadequacies to my department head, who listened, wrote on a piece of note paper, and passed it to me. At the top, it said, “Stop comparing yourself to others.”

I became a certified, full-time teacher in my mid-40s. I was raising three teenagers and I knew that harshly judging myself in relation to others around me is demoralizing and damaging to my sense of worth. More specifically, I belittled myself into a withdrawn, sad state because I focussed on what I thought other teachers did better than me; everyone seemed more competent, more collegial, more efficient and more confident. In addition, I believed that my age was a double-edged sword. While it generally was an asset in conversations with parents – I approached them as a sympathetic fellow parent – I assumed that other teachers found me lacking; I believed that they assumed that I should be more skilled, more able to efficiently manage a class and effectively deliver curriculum. My perception was that I was that teacher that was gossiped about as being incompetent. Although I knew that it is extremely unhelpful to only compare myself unfavourably to others, receiving that advice on that note paper – which has been passed along to my children – has helped me to be more conscious of the default path that my thinking took. By taking many small steps, it helped me to gain more peace of mind about my ability as a teacher, a colleague and a mother. 

I am an avid, life-long reader. At critical points in my life – when I began having children, when I became a teacher, when I turned 50 – I have looked to the written word for knowledge and insights about what to expect as well as validation for what I was feeling and doing. In retrospect, part of what I did to better acknowledge and understand my insecurities and to feel more self-accepting is to selectively read books focussing on various aspects of mental health that helped me to gain insights into who and why I am the person I have become. However, crucially, I also read novels about women who struggled and attempted to come to peace with themselves and the world around them. I slowly became a bit braver about sharing my insecurities about my skills as a teacher. I became more aware that other teachers talked about their mistakes, struggles with tough classes, and the difficulty of achieving a healthy balance between work and their personal lives, which gave me courage to begin to do the same.

It is difficult to write about how that suggestion to stop comparing myself to others made a difference in my life. I cannot pinpoint a specific semester, class or fellow teacher that changed my outlook. It happened slowly, almost imperceptibly. In the same way that an experienced teacher knows that a toolkit of strategies is necessary in order to effectively and consistently manage a class and reach as many students as possible – because not every strategy will work every day with every student – looking back, I feel that I used a variety of strategies to help myself feel more confident and inwardly calm. Of course, I still notice and am interested in what other teachers, neighbours, friends and family do. However, I try to no longer measure myself against their accomplishments or to believe that my opinions and goals should mirror theirs. Instead, I use their example as part of the context for forming my opinions and making my decisions. I have become increasingly comfortable with who I am.

I’d love to know if you like this post and if you can relate to anything I’ve written here. Please use the Comment section below.

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